by Jeff Dieffenbach

News flash: Trinidad & Tobago heads list of world’s top national soccer teams. That’s right, T&T.

Since August of 1993, FIFA has drawn up monthly rankings of the world’s national teams. These teams earn “points” based on a broad range of matches over the previous eight years: World Cup qualifiers and finals, continental championship qualifiers and finals, Confederations Cup matches, and international friendlies. For these matches, rankings factor in game outcomes (both result and score), location, and importance, plus opponent and regional strength.

In November of this year, FIFA released its latest World Rankings. No surprises occupy the top spots: France, Argentina, Brazil, Portugal, and Colombia. Italy, Spain, The Netherlands, Mexico, and England round out the top ten.

“But wait, you mentioned Trinidad & Tobago. Where are they among this elite?” one might ask. Well, points alone represent only one way of crowning the world’s leaders.

Consider an alternative top 10 from among FIFA’s best fifty.

1. Trinidad & Tobago
2. Slovenia
3. Uruguay
4. Ireland
5. Costa Rica
6. Croatia
7. Norway
8. Denmark
9. Paraguay
10. Finland

“How could this possibly be true?” one might continue.

The list above takes points … and divides by population. So, T&T climbs from 31st (FIFA top 50) to 1st (Dieffenbach “Pop 50”) by virtue of its 1.2 million citizens.

In contrast, Brazil’s population of 172 million plummets its ranking from 3rd to 48th. Similarly, Russia (146 million) drops from 22nd to 49th.

“And the bottom spot?” one might persist. The United States of America, 275 million strong and by far the most populous of the FIFA top 50, slides from 21st to 50th.

“What will it take for the Red, White, and Blue to escape the cellar?” one might grasp for straws. To overtake Russia, the US must earn more than 1,250 points—unlikely, given that France currently tops the table with a mere 811.

Two options remain: pray for China’s ascendance into the FIFA top 50 (current rank: 55, population: 1.2 billion), or double Russia’s population.

“Viagra, comrade?”